Parenting Tip #7

Respect is given, when respect is given.

You reap what you sew.  You get what you put in.  All these clichés make perfect sense from a logical point of view, yes?  But how many parents choose to belittle or even bully their children into obedience in an effort to establish dominance?

Have you ever rubbed something in, knowing it would "make the lesson" for them?

While our hearts are often in the right place when we choose to do this, (after all, we desire our children to listen to us, right?  We're the voice of experience and wisdom!  DON'T TOUCH THE STOVE!) the results of this "perfectly reasonable" rubbing it in can be a lot of repressed feelings and a need to prove that we make mistakes as well - which really comes to fruition when they start noticing we do!!

The truth of the matter is, despite our own character flaws, it is crucial that we respect our children at all times.  Treat them as you would want to be treated.  Try to understand, ask questions.

Yes, you can preach every now and then about why its a good idea to listen to you when you mentioned things like that stove being awful hot... but remember, they were curious, and you should actually encourage that curiosity.

On the flipside, what would your relationship be like with your child if it was their belief that you were always looking out for their best interests - and that you will always be respectful of them, and their desires, and that you are a source of love and understanding...?

Couldn't we all use a relationship like that?

Parenting Tip #6

Foundation of TRUTH = TRUST + RESPECT

Do you want your child to honestly trust & respect your values, your advice, your character, your goals (in regards to them and yourself) and ultimately treat you with trust and respect?

The answer lays within leaving a foundation of truth.

For a moment, think of your absolute best friend.  Can you trust them to be honest with you?  Do you know that if you ask them to "give it to you straight" that they will?  Do you respond to that level of intimacy and character by reciprocating a feeling of respect towards them?

For some reason, many parents have this idea that they must be "flawless and never make mistakes" in the eyes of their children.  The truth of the matter is, we should be truthful to all those with whom we wish to have a deep relationship with.  That means you tell it like it is.

Now, of course some things might have to be simplified...

Mom is trying to stay happy baby, but its very hard for her right now.

  

"Why?" 

Well, some people were very mean to me today at work.  

"Why?"  

Some people aren't as nice as you and me, and... well, I think its because they're scared - we're all scared, our work hasn't been doing as well as it should be this past while, and they might be making some of us stop going.  

"Is that bad?"  

Well, if they make me stop going, I won't be able to buy a lot of the things we like, like DVDs, bikes and stuff like that.  

"Oh."  

Do you understand why I'm feeling kind of sad?  

"Yeah, I hope you get to go to work Mom."  

Me too sweetheart, me too.

Most of us intuitively know when something is being held back from us.  Not fully sharing with someone your life is, in essence, not being fully honest with them.  While we may think we're "protecting" someone by lying to them, the truth of the matter is, we're just being lazy by not taking the time to share with them in a method they'll understand.

Be genuine, take the time to tell the truth.

With a relationship as long as one with your child, it is all the more integral and all the more important to lay a solid foundation of truthfulness.

This lesson was learned from our Mitra Castano Interview

Parenting Tip #5

Democracy is key

If we look at the 6 human needs, significance is often high on the list, especially within the mind of a child.  Being given a voice, and a vote, is a truly empowering step in your child's evolution.

Are we saying that if we all vote for cookies for dinner that we should have them?  Well, not exactly.  With the democratic approach, one must also take the education and discussion approach, as well.  If cookies for dinner are, in fact, what they want - ideally they should be educated and questioned to the point where they decide that it isn't in their best interest to have said cookies.

Ultimately, yes, you're Mom.  You do get to have the last say.

However, whenever possible, encourage discussion, and open debate.  Find out why they want something you feel to be not in their best interest, and, whenever possible, explain to them why you feel how you do, and ask them how they feel, subtly influencing their world.

If you punish them every time your orders are questioned, they will begin to give your orders less and less weight as they seem less and less reasonable.  While, in the beginning, that might train them never to question you...  Ultimately, you are left with a spineless child afraid to question their environments who simultaneously resists EVERYTHING you say on INSTINCT.

This stunts creativity, individuality, self confidence, ability, and over all aptitude in life.  And, makes them a... challenge to be around.

Too high a price for a few nights of peace and quiet?  We think so too.

(Oh, and, just in case you're still tempted to swing the dictator role around... Those instant results you get at first?  Compare them well to the repressed-emotion-turned-rebellion you find in the teen years!!)

This lesson was learned from our Mitra Castano Interview

Parenting Tip #4

Honesty & Transparency

E.T.S.H.T.D. - Easy to say, hard to do.
We all say that we'll be open and honest with our loved ones... but what if we want to protect them from the harsh truth?

The truth of the matter is:  Honesty, as cliche as it sounds, is the best policy.

To expect your children to be honest with you when you are anything but, is of course, a strategy (and a lifestyle) doomed to fail.

"But what if they're too young to hear the horrible truth?"

Life isn't always pretty, and sometimes the complex and the scary must be simplified for the youthfulness of the listener, but simplification, analogies, and examples are not lies.

If Mommy is sad, Mommy should explain why she is sad as best she can.  If nothing else, but for the sage advice often found from children, who tend to look at the world with less jaded filters, and more solution-oriented outlooks.

Let's say you lose your job.  What do you tell your child?

Well, they may not understand what a job is, but, they do understand what fun is, yes?

So, what if you took the time to explain to them the reasons you went to work (either in the past, or now) and that those reasons were so that the house stayed warm, their clothes smelled nice, and that the lights turned on, and that it made it so you could get them toys?

Would explaining to them that because you made a mistake you are sad because now the lights, the heat, their toys and other things of that nature would be rare?  That, until you were able to find a new place to work, that you were sad that you would be unable to buy them a new toy?

Putting things like that towards a child is honest, helps them understand, and gives them a sense of power to help.  "Don't buy a new toy, Mommy, I'd rather have the lights" is a really cool thing for a kid to be able to "give" to you.  It makes them feel as though they have power to help, and make you feel better for a change.

Parenting Tip #3

Avoid Hypocrisy

Studies show that the old adage of "Monkey see, Monkey do" is entirely accurate.  Nearly all of our actions are from modelling and observation, and but a small few are from advice and lessons.

It is imperative, as parents and role models, that we practice what we preach.

DON'T smoke : Should they respect their bodies and health?

DON'T drink : Do you want self abusive, destructive behavior?

DON'T lie : Do you want to be able to trust your children?

DON'T cheat : Do you want honorable children of character?

DON'T slack off : What sort of work ethic do you want your children to have?

DON'T constantly complain : Do you want to breed that sort of negativity?

DON'T be pessimistic : Do you want your children to strive to achieve?

DON'T be two-faced : Do you want your children to be so with you and their friends?

DON'T belittle your boss : Who is your children's boss?


This Lesson was learned from our Mitra Castano interview

How to Overcome Abuse

If you've found this blog, chances are you're going through something, or, have gone through something that nobody should ever have to go through.  I honor and respect your courage for having the guts to look for a solution instead of staying in despair.

Once again, good for you for looking for a solution.

I've taught martial arts for decades, and I've seen many people who were the victims of various forms of abuse become powerful. Not just physically, but emotionally as well. It is an excellent conduit for self empowerment.

I'd talk to a few martial arts schools, ask them what they teach, and get a feel for your instructor. If you like who they are, what they stand for, and feel that you can learn from them, try out a few classes. Let them know you're scared, and they should ease you into it.

Firemen are scared of fire, but they still go into burning buildings to help people. Courage is not the absence of fear, but the ability to act in spite of it.

In addition, I'd recommend a few resources to read to get you on the right path.

The first is a relationship program.

"Why do I need a relationship program?  I don't even want a relationship!"

I know.

The relationship program I'm recommending It is filled with a true wealth of information on understanding our own psyches, motivations and self imposed limitations. It shows us how to understand where we are (and with that clarity, how to change)

The second is a fantastic book on self improvement, which breaks the process of building the self into bite sized pieces.

The last is a (expensive) collection called personal power, which has changed millions of lives for the better. Tony's a heck of a guy.

Taking the martial arts will give you the foundation to grow, and the tools I've linked to will plant the right seeds.

Be patient with yourself, celebrate taking action over any perceived results (positive, or negative) - always focus on the journey. Where are you: Today? Stronger than you were yesterday :)

Once again, I respect you seeking answers, seeking positive solutions.  There are positive role models out there.  Mitra Castano, for example, is a woman I've had the privilege of interviewing who has overcome childhood abuse.  Oprah, would be another, classic example.

You have the ember.  Take action, turn it into a flame of personal power, and become someone even more truly amazing than you already are.

Parenting Tip #2

Parent First, Friend Second

We all want our friends, family, and children to like us, of course.  However, the role of a parent (or a coach) is ultimately to be a respected source of coaching.  Your job is to make your offspring the best you possibly can.

Sometimes that makes you the bad guy.  As long as you are always coming from a place of love, and respect, ultimately in hindsight, your children will appreciate all that you've contributed to them.

If, however, you take the easy route, and choose to be their friend first, and parent second, this can cause a loss of respect, and even long term resentment for your actions.

The phrase "Yeah, it's awesome, my Mom totally doesn't care if I (something other parents care about)" said to one's friends at the age they're at is nearly always a positive.  Once a few years have gone by, however, all that remains is the belief that their Mom didn't care.

With that repeating cycle escalating throughout your child's life, they will likely be your friends off and on, but you will steadily lose the role of parent altogether.  They won't respect your ability to handle the tough decisions, they won't appreciate all the negative results of you not caring (bad grades, poor health etc) and, ultimately, the end result is not what you're after.

While the taste of discipline and parenting can occasionally be bitter, like the veggies a parent would push upon a child that a friend would not, ultimately the healthy results are worth it in the long run.

This lesson was learned from our Mitra Castano interview

Mitra Castano's Suggested Reading

Here are a list of suggested titles from Mitra Castano


How to behave so your children will too

Self Matters: Creating your life from the inside out
Family First: Your step by step plan to creating a phenomenal family

The Daily book of Positive Quotations

Positive Thinking Every Day: An inspiration for each day of the year

Daily Guidance from your Angels

The Book of Virtues

Spiritual Parenting 

Parenting Tip #1

Recognize The Impact of your Words and Actions

"You're going to end up in jail some day you loser!" his Mother yelled, taking a deep drag on a cigarette while drinking tequila straight out of the bottle.

Will this have an adverse effect upon your child?  Well, the odds are fairly high, yes.  However, some kids will have such traumatic, terrible childhoods, that they'll instead vow to turn out completely the opposite of their living environment.

While ultimately, we are all individual souls with our own ability to interpret meaning & purpose from our experiences, I would still caution future parents from programming their children for failure.

Our brains will do everything in their power to make us "right".  If we believe what our parents tell us, then we will do everything in our power to make it so.

This lesson was learned from our Mitra Castano interview